Content with Myself
by dayz92
Summary: Clare and Eli in the future. Clare is a successful book writer, and Eli well, you'll have to see for yourself.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: ookay, so i wrote this other story calleddd: The Pieces You Left of Me, and weell i got writer's block, so then i kept reading other stories about Clare getting invited to Eli's wedding (where he's engaged to some other girl), and i thought wow what a great idea, but I want a twist.**

**And so here it is. Pleaaaase review. If you read it, great! Just tell me what you think :) **

**I don't own Degrassi. **

I just remember that first step. The first step I took towards high school. I was scared, terrified, but most importantly, sad. Sad that one day I might fall in love and it won't work out. Guess, what? That's exactly what happened. I suppose you can say I haven't had any luck with relationships. Take KC for example. I ask myself over and over again, what was it that made him like Jenna more? Was it that she was more outgoing? Was it that she dressed better than I? Is it the guitar? Because I can learn. But after a while I stopped. It was no use crying over spilled milk. He already left me for her, so why bother thinking about it. Then there was Eli, dear goodness, Eli; the guy that I actually admitted loving, and returned the love back. The profound ways of life put him here, in my life, so that I could learn something. And that is to never, ever, fall in love.

**Chapter 1**

I was sitting in my office, typing away yet another story I was creating.

For some reason all these ideas just kept coming to me.

Then I heard a knock on the door.

"Come in." I yelled. The door opened and it was secretary, Angie.

"Clare, the tour people just called, and they're going to fax you the tour dates and stops."

"Oh, fantastic! Thanks." And with that she closed the door, and I kept typing.

Honestly I was thrilled that my first book was popular and made New York's Best Seller list, but I wasn't excited for this tour. The tour was for me to go around all North America, and talk about my book.

I lived in New York for a reason; to get away from what possibly was a mistake that I made.

The tour spent a great deal of time in Canada, mostly because I'm from there.

I was nervous that I'd run into him.

Breaking me from my deep thoughts, I felt my phone vibrating.

It was Alli.

"Hello?"

"CLARE! WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME YOU COMING BBBACCK HERE?"

Guess they released the tour dates. Hm, I should check my fax machine and look at that.

"Calm down, I wanted to surprise you!"

"Well consider me surprised! I can NOT wait to see you! It's been forever."

"Alli, we talk like everyday!"

"Yeah, but it's not the same."

"I know."

There was a pause, it seemed like there was more to this phone call then just Alli being excited for my return.

"Clare, I know you don't like to talk about this, but you know he probably is going to figure out you'll be in town." She seemed concerned.

"I don't really know what you're talking about." I didn't like to talk about it for a reason.

"Eli will find out; and he'll probably try to talk to you. He's been trying to for the past month!"

"Alli, have you ever wondered why? Why out of the blue is it that now, after five years he'd want to talk to me. Last conversation we had, it was pretty clear things were over."

Alli didn't say anything.

"Alli?"

Nothing, no sound.

"Alli, what do you know?"

"Well, we sort of ran into each other when I went to the mall. I tried to be mad at him, I really did but. . . "

"But what, Alli?" My voice was becoming sterner.

"But the girl he was with had this **amazing** dress on, and I just HAD to know where she got it."

"Girl?"

"That's what he's trying to tell you Clare. He's engaged."

"Excuse me?"

"He's getting married."

"Oh, well that's nice for him."

"Clare."

"It is, good for him that he found someone, or whatever." You could tell I didn't care.

"Clare."

"What do you want me to say, that I'm so upset that he's getting married, that I can't believe that he found love, and I'm still here grieving about him not being in my life. That apparently I can never replace him, but he could."

"Clare he didn't replace you! He tried to talk to you remember, you wouldn't let him."

"You know why, Alli? Because he –" I stopped myself, there was no reason to talk about the past.

"He's going to find out. And he'll show up, don't say I didn't warn you."

"Look, I have to go do some paperwork. I'll call you the second I get in town"

I let out a big fat sigh.

It didn't make me feel better, but it did help.

Eli engaged; that thought ran a marathon in my head.

How could he get over me? I don't mean to sound conceited, or even full of myself, but what Eli and I had is something I don't think I'll ever find with anyone else.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: I totally forgot to mention that Clare might be a little OOC. **

**But I mean, it's natural as we grow up we don't act the same as we were**

**In high school. Sooo yeah! Hope you guys like it! **

**OH, one more thing, I'm not going to tell anyone the twist :****D**

**It'll be a surprise. **

**Chapter 2**

I was ready as ever to get on that plane.

I was nervous; my heartbeat was probably increasing with thought of seeing Eli.

I haven't spoken to him since we broke up; didn't really find the need to when just the thought of it makes me cry.

But I had to be strong; I couldn't let anything bring down, even love.

Finally they called my plane, and I boarded.

It wasn't a long flight, but long enough to read my book, the one that brought me all this success.

Obvious I knew what the book was about, duh, I wrote it.

I read it to reminisce.

Before I could go home, it was the first stop in the tour.

At this little bookstore, just little bit out from where home was.

I got to the place and saw a lot of people there.

Quickly scanning the room, making sure he wasn't there.

I was still looking when Angie, she always tags along with me, pulled me into the back.

"Clare, come on it's almost time!"

When I turned the corner I almost screamed for joy.

"Alli!" I whispered.

We hugged and were just all smiles.

"Well?" I asked.

"No signed of him."

I just smiled. Alli was always there for me.

"Clare, it's time." Angie signaled.

Alli went back out to the crowd of people.

I took a deep breath before I stepped out to people screaming and shouting my name.

I never really thought I was that famous. I just waved and smiled back.

I sat at this table with a big blown up picture of the cover of the book behind it.

"Hello everyone!" I spoke into the microphone.

People clapped.

"Well, where do I begin? I really enjoyed writing this, mostly because some of the events in there were based on my life. I'm not going to say which ones, but some, and it was nice to get closure and get it all out there."

I smiled trying so hard not to cry.

"Who here can relate to Rachel? Show of hands."

A lot of people raised their hands.

"Rachel was written as this shy, quite girl, until she met Kevin. Kevin this amazing guy, the one she'd dream about marrying. He had the looks most girls surpassed, but he mostly made Rachel feel like she didn't have to be in a shell."

I just smiled, but not at the audience, but just into far depths of my mind.

"Who here has had a Kevin in their lives?"

Once again almost all the women in the room raise their hand.

"I think the part that got me the most while writing and even reading it over now is where Kevin breaks up with Rachel. He tells her that he can't do it anymore. The long distance thing. How he just gives up on her, on them. Like everything they've been through didn't matter."

And now he's engaged, engaged to another woman.

Angie came from behind me and whispered to me that it was time for some readers to ask questions.

I nodded and proceeded.

"Ok, who has a question they'd like to ask?"

Almost everyone raised their hands. I randomly pick some girl in the back.

"I want to know, how is it being a writer affected your life the most?"

"Oo, good question. I always loved writing. Right before starting college, there were events in my life, that changed me. It changed my writing. Before I just to write whatever came to mind. Now I write whatever I feel."

The girl just smiled and sat down. I pick another random girl.

"I heard that you have a boyfriend, is that true?" She asked trying to look into my eyes and see if I would answer.

"I am happy right now where I am at. Do I have a boyfriend, no. But the real question is, do I need boyfriend?"

A lot of woman shake their heads; guess I wasn't the only one single.

"Ok, um, let's get those books autographed." I shot a smile to them and headed over to this other table.

I must have signed a thousand books, because my hand was hurting.

Then this woman came up to the table. I remember her dress so pretty.

"Who do I make this out to?" I smile.

"Karen." She said very quietly. "Actually, can you make it out to my fiancé and I?"

"Aw, sure, did he read the book?" I didn't really think guys would read it.

"Yeah, but he doesn't know I'm here. It's a surprise, the autograph."

"Aww, ok so what's his name?"

Pen in hand, ready to go.

"Eli."

And just like that everything fell.

"Um, come again?"

"Eli." She repeated herself.

I picked up the pen signed it "to Eli and Karen. Enjoy."

Normally I would write more but I couldn't take it.

I finished everyone who was waiting.

Then called Alli, right away.

"I can't believe this!." Alli was telling me as we were at the Dot.

"I know, his fiancé was there! She asked me if I could make it out to Eli and her." I rolled my eyes at the memory.

"Clare, now you **know** he's going to try to talk to you."

"I know."

"Clare, why are you avoiding him? Ever since the book got out."

"Because, I know what he wants to talk about."

"What?"

"The book."

She just looked at me confused.

"The whole book was based off of the relationship I had with Eli."

"Oh, Clare."

And as if on cue, walked in Karen with Eli right behind her; they sat at the table behind us, and they didn't notice Alli and I.

"Here, I got you something." I could hear Karen saying. I guess she's giving him the book.

"You got me a copy of a book I already have?"

"No, it is your copy."

"O.k." he has no idea.

"Open it." I could hear her smile.

Then silence. For a long time.

"Well, what do you think?"

"How did you get this?"

"She was having a talk outside of town, so I went."

"How did you get her to sign it?"

"I just asked her." She sounded like she wanted to say duh.

"Oh, right, she doesn't know you" I heard him muttered.

I gave Alli a look, signally her for us to leave.

Thankfully we left without notice.

Alli and I just walked.

Walking in the cold, in the past, and right into pain.


	3. Chapter 3

** Chapter 3**

I kept thinking about it. How Eli was able to move on, and I still cling to the past.

I need to tear down the walls that trap me in the past. The only thing I can think that would help is to talk to him.

Then I heard my phone ringing. Hm, unknown number.

"Hello?" I wonder.

"Clare?" the voice that creep inside my dreams, the voice I yearned to hear, but feared of seeing.

"Eli?"

"Clare." He said it as if he was relieved to know I was alive or something.

But I hung up.

I can't. It's too hard. I won't.

I sat there in silence wondering if I should have hung up.

The phone rang again.

My heartbeat stopped.

I looked at the screen, and just sighed of relief.

It was Angie.

"Hello?"

"Clare, where are you?"

"At home?" Did I forget something?

"You're suppose to be here at the book store!"

OH. Crap. I was.

"I'll be there."

It was the bookstore Eli and I would always go to afterschool.

I stood outside it, and just stared at the building. I walked inside and there were so many people. This talk wasn't going to be like the last one, this time it was more like questions and answer.

I sat at my little table, and there was a list of people who had submitted questions.

"HELLO EVERYONE!" I yelled into the microphone.

"Ok, so there are some amazing fans with questions. Let's have Lauren come on up." This cheery blonde came up to the front. She took the microphone.

"Who did you base the character of Rachel on?"

"Good question. Mostly myself, I see myself in Rachel." I smiled, and went on the next person on my list.

"SARAH, come on down!" I laughed as I said those words. I sounded like a game show host.

"I want to know, if you've ever fallen in love."

Then I noticed he was there. In the back, listening to everything.

"Yes, I have." I was no longer talking the audience, I was talking straight to Eli. "He was everything I wanted. Everything I needed. But sometimes things don't work out. And he let's you down. Makes you feel like everything was just a game."

I started to choke up. I stared at him with teary eyes.

"You think it's all hugs and kisses, and romance, but it's not. It's knowing. Knowing that what you have is special. But see the thing about love, or even feelings of that kind, is that when you get all caught up, you don't see it when it knocks you down. Then one day, love doesn't want you. Its not worth fighting for. It was just something to "pass the time". Look," I returned my vision to the audience. "don't ever, fall in love."

I walked out towards the back, and I can hear Eli calling my name.

All the fears I had of talking to him ended there.

I sat outside in the cold.

Trying to understand what exactly were the words that had came out of my mouth.

I was looking at the floor, when I saw a pair of feet in front of me.

I looked up and there he was. Looking straight at me, with those eyes that I would make me forget how to breathe.

I just looked at him. I couldn't bare to talk.

He came closer and reeled me in for a hug, but I didn't cry. I didn't want to show that my weakness was him, even though it as apparent.

"What's going on? Why are you avoiding me for so long?" He asked me one of the dumbest questions I have ever heard.

"Why? Are you serious?" I looked at him and backed up.

"Eli, you broke my heart. But it's not what hurts the most. It's the fact that you wouldn't give us a chance. It's like you were ready to give up before we even began."

"Clare, how else was I suppose to react, when you said you were going to New York for college. We were miles apart. It's not healthy."

"All I ever wanted was for you to know how I felt about it. About us, about you, and now you have."

I walked away trying to hold back every tear, every sob, every piece of my heart that was shattering as I walked.

And the worse part isn't that he's here.

It's that he's engaged. To someone else. And he's happy with her. He found love in the depths of the ocean.

And I'm left drowning at the top.


	4. Chapter 4

***I don't own Degrassi. **

**Thanks to everyone who reviewed, and adding to your favorites, and your story alerts. :D you guys are awesome. **

**This chapter isn't much of a good one, BUT I kinda had trouble finding what to do. **

**Guys, if you have idea PLEASE share! Lol **

**Enjoyyy!**

**Chapter 4**

I went over to Alli's, seeing that I really needed a friend right now.

"Clare, I can't believe this. So he was there?"

"Yeah, and he asked why I had been avoiding him. What a dumb question."

"Clare." She gave me that look. "You know that it's a very good question."

"I know, but I mean, he's **engaged**, I can't face that he's moved on so quickly."

"Clare it's only been like 5 years or so."

"But he was my first love, and first loves are permanent."

Alli gave me a hug and I started crying.

I know, I know, what a baby.

But it was true, first loves are permanent, he was permanent.

After I came back home, I saw that I had one missed call.

Eli.

I wasn't sure if to call back, or to even think about it.

But Alli was right; he did deserve a right answer.

After all it's been years.

"Hello?" a woman answered, I guess it was Karen. I hesitated to answer back.

"Yeah, is Eli there?"

"Who's this?"

"Clare."

"Claree? As in Clare Edwards? As in CCLARE EDWARDS?"

I chuckled a bit. "Yes, that would be me."

"ELIII! CLARE'S ON THE PHONE!"

Moments later.

"Hello?" and there was the voice.

"Why is Clare Edwards calling you!" I could hear Karen in the background.

"Yeah, she's a big fan." He commented.

"Yeah, I can see. Look, I think we should talk, you know?"

"Yeah, that's what I wanted to do, Clare. But you keep pushing me away." I could hear the pain in his voice.

I sighed. "Were you trying to tell me you were engaged, because really Eli? That's something I could live without knowing."

"Not at first. Clare, I think we should talk in person for his conversation."

"I'll meet you at the Dot in twenty."

I hung up. Got ready and left to meet Eli.

I sat there by the window, waiting for Eli.

I was nervous as I could ever be.

What I had been running away from all this time, was about to meet me here, right now.

The door opened and walked in Eli.

He came over to the table I was sitting at. He pulled out the chair in front of me and sat down.

He looked at me, the way he use to. Like I meant everything. But of course I didn't.

"So. Where do we start?" I asked.

"Clare, I want to know why you wrote the book about us."

I had to think about what I was going to say for a while.

"Because I needed to get it out there."

"Get what out there?"

"I needed to let you know, that you seriously hurt me, without actually talking to you."

He just looked like he'd been shot.

"Clare, you act like you were the only affected by this. I was depressed for years. You decided to go to New York. I felt like you were going to live you're dream, and leave me behind. What was I suppose to do?"

I just stayed quite for a while.

"Well, oblivious you were able to move on." I gave him that look.

"Karen, she and I started dating like 2 years ago."

"And now you're engaged." I **love** pointed that out.

"I tried to keep in touch with you, but you didn't want anything to do with me. I couldn't stay in the past forever."

My eyes started to tear up.

"Eli, I love you. I never stop. You were everything to me, from the moment I saw you. You're funny, smart, clever, and so caring. If you wanted to really get in touch with me, you should have fought the odds. You should have gone through everything you could to let me know it wasn't over."

Tears were rolling down my cheeks, and my voice was breaking.

"Clare, it still isn't over" He grabbed my hands and held so.

"But it is, because you're engaged."

I pulled back my hands and walked out.

I didn't go home; instead I went to this bar.

I usually didn't drink, but I really needed one.

It was open mic night, and this girl went on stage.

I don't know if it was the strumming of her guitar or the softness of her voice, but it brought me to more tears.

In that moment I decided I was going to stop feeling down, and move on too.

I took out my phone, and dialed.

I hope he'd answer, it's been a while.

"Hey! I'm glad you answered."


	5. Chapter 5

**I don't own Degrassi . . yet! Lol **

**Chapter 5**

My thoughts drifted all over the place that night.

I kept thinking about Eli and I. The past and how beautiful it was.

The magic that was present between the two of us.

*Flashback*

"Eli, where are you taking me?" I asked with a smile on my face, while Eli's hands were covering my eyes.

"You'll see don't worry."

I just laughed. I got that butterfly feeling in the pit of my stomach all over again.

It usually happens when I think, see or even touch Eli.

That's how I knew we meant to be.

"Ok, open your eyes."

I opened them, and I'll never forget.

It was in the middle of the park. There was a picnic blanket on the ground with flowers all around it. It was amazing.

"I didn't think you were the romantic type." I turn around and smile at him.

"Well you bring out that side of me."

We kissed and went on over to the flowers.

That night I couldn't sleep.

He kept me up, with his flowers, his romance, himself.

*Flashback over*

I honestly don't know what to do.

I'm in love with an engaged man.

The doorbell rang, and I got up from the comfort of the couch and opened the door.

"Hey!" I smiled and hugged him.

"Hey, it's been a while. How are you?"

I let him in, and we went over to the couch.

"I've been better."

Then things got awkward.

"Clare, is there a reason why you invited me over?"

"Yeah." I took in a big deep breathe. " I need to get closure from you."

He looked at me confused.

"You were my first boyfriend, the first guy I ever let myself be around the way we hung out. KC, I thought we were great. Then you went and did something I never thought you'd do to me."

He looked guilty. Mostly because he was.

"Clare, I'm so sorry. I never meant for it to happen that way."

"I'm not here to tell you that I blame you, and all that other crap. I moved on, but I never went pass the fact that I never felt good for you. I knew you lost interest, and I kept telling myself that maybe if I change it'll help, but it didn't it only pushed you further, and now here we are. KC I just want you to know, that I'm sorry thing didn't work out. That we couldn't be perfect for each other."

"Clare, you have nothing to be sorry about." He looked deep into my eyes, and held my hands like he use to. "I'm sorry, that I went and screwed things up. If you don't mind me asking, why are we bringing all of this up now?"

"Eli and I broke up before I went to college, I wrote a book about it and he wanted to talk to him and I ignored him for 5 years and now he's engaged."

"Oh." He hugged me, and I just cried in his arms. "Clare, you can't hold in all of this. You gotta tell him."

After a while of talking with KC, he left, and I felt better. Getting a guy's view on the situation really helped. I'd have to talk to Eli tomorrow.

I went up to my room, and looked for my cell phone.

I finally found after hours of looking for it.

I turned it off, lay in my bed, and dozed off to sleep.

Hopefully, I'm not too late.


End file.
